Week 170 & 169: w/ending 13th August & 20th August

Firstly regarding the fact that there was no update last week. That was down to two reasons. The first reason is because there was little change to the preceding week, so I felt it may not be that interesting for you all to read. Secondly, the mental challenges and anxiety were building ahead of the Consultant’s meeting, were intensifying considerably.

Overall, the mental challenges of having terminal cancer are extensive and touch every aspect of your life, and those closest to you. The two weeks leading up to the Consultant’s meeting have been the hardest yet, from a mental thought process perspective. Both Sandra and I have been down many deep and dark ‘rabbit holes’ in these past weeks, all centered around what the Consultant would tell us in the critical meeting; none of those potential outcomes were good. As mentioned in some of the previous posts, there was a liver ultrasound as well as a CT scan. The outcome of those would indicate potential further issues, or update me on the success of the chemo. In a brief conversation with my sister a couple of days ahead of that meeting, I had arrived at the conclusion that, it did not matter what the Consultant would tell us, as we have no ability to change whatever the outcome would be, but as I told her, that did not ease the mental thought processes. So, how did that meeting go?.....................

Both Sandra and I sat in his room and began to listen to what he was telling us. Whilst not in the correct order of how it was told to us, he informed us that all of the key levels were back to normal, bloods, liver, etc. The PSA level is at 0.5, its lowest since the awareness of my PSA began last autumn (down from the peak of 70). The chemo has shrunk the cancer in my prostate itself and he mentioned that my bones are repairing themselves. He then went on to say that there were two things he did want to discuss. At that point, both Sandra and I tensed ourselves for what he would say next. He discussed the medication and how he planned to proceed, which we had various queries on. All seemed good with what was discussed up to that point, but we were still waiting for what else he had ro say; nothing else came……

It was at that stage that my emotions took over and the partial relief began to kick in and Sandra had to give me a tissue. Dr Rahman could see that and he then realised that this had been playing on our minds, especially the liver ultrasound. He stopped writing and Sandra gave him some context to where our thought process had been. At that point, he did mention that the liver ultrasound did show up some fatty tissue, but nothing else.

The meeting ended at that point and Sandra and I went outside, sat down on a bench and started to digest the list of good news he had given us, with the associated emotions. We did say that if anyone was walking past, they could be forgiven for thinking we had just been given bad news. We then drove towards home and analysed everything that had just transpired.

After the ‘heaviness’ of the past two weeks, I did not feel quite ready to go straight home. It was nice weather and we live on the southeast coast, which is stunning. We decided to drive the extra short distance to the seafront and park up, walk around and soak up the surroundings. In between all of this, we had contacted both of our children and my sister Susan. We could not immediately talk to our son, so it was only when we reached the seafront that we had the chance to do that. During the conversation with him and the questions he posed, which were, ‘Does that mean that the cancer has gone”, “How does that change the prognosis”, that I realised that in the ‘fog’ of the good news versus expectations, neither of us had thought to ask!, that is a conversation I will have with Dr. Rahman, I am just awaiting a call back from his secretary, how has the prognosis changed.

So, in summary  - good news with how things have gone and the best news that we could have expected within the overall situation. The relief is huge, but a few days after that, we have still not quite emptied our heads of the dark thoughts, that is to follow. As you read this, we are travelling home from a long weekend in York, which we have visited with my sister Susan and her partner Paddy. A great location to visit (we can highly recommend it for the culture and history from the Romans to the Vikings, Normans and beyond) and something that is helping us to start to relax a little.

Thanks for the continued interest and increasing levels of support and commentary, all very appreciated.